When Birth Doesn’t Go as Planned: Reflections for the Type A, Perfectionist Mind

For those of us who identify as “Type A” — the planners, the list-makers, the detail-oriented organizers — pregnancy and birth can stir up a surprising amount of emotional complexity. Many high-achieving, perfectionist-leaning people spend their lives mastering challenges through preparation, determination, and sheer force of will. We learn to believe that if we work hard enough, we can shape outcomes.

But birth asks us to dance with uncertainty.

Even with the most thorough birth plans, the best preparation classes, and the most supportive care team, birth remains an inherently unpredictable process. Our bodies and our babies each have their own unique ways of unfolding this event, and labor rarely follows a straight line.

The Allure of Control

Perfectionism is often rooted in a desire for safety and predictability. Many Type A people approach birth the same way they might tackle a big project: research every option, make detailed plans, visualize each step. While preparation is valuable and can foster a sense of agency, it can also set up an unrealistic expectation that birth can — and should — go “according to plan.”

When labor veers off that plan (as it often does), the experience can feel destabilizing. Some people describe feelings of disappointment, self-blame, or even grief, as if they’ve failed at something they believed they should have been able to control.

Birth as an Unscripted Process

Physiologically, birth is more like a wild river than a carefully engineered canal. It moves according to deep, primal rhythms that are not entirely within our conscious control. We can learn to work with these rhythms — to support the body, to create an environment of safety, to use coping skills — but we cannot command them into neat, predictable shapes.

For many perfectionists, this lack of control can be one of the greatest challenges. It invites us to shift from "doing" to "being" — from striving to allowing.

Moving From Expectation to Adaptation

Learning to hold plans lightly is not about giving up or being passive. It’s about flexibility and resilience. It means preparing as fully as possible, and then practicing openness to what arises.

Some strategies that can help include:

• Cultivating self-compassion: Reminding ourselves that no one can control every outcome, and that birth isn’t a test of worth or effort.

• Working with trusted support: Choosing care providers and birth companions who can hold space for changes and help reframe unexpected turns.

• Exploring mindfulness or embodied practices: Approaches like breathwork, yoga, or visualization can help practice presence rather than rigid control.

• Reflecting on values rather than outcomes: Instead of measuring success by whether a plan was perfectly executed, consider how you felt through the process — feeling safe, supported, connected, and a sense agency are what parents report as the recipe for a positive birth.

Embracing the Birth You Have

In the end, birth is not a project to be completed perfectly but an experience to be met as it unfolds. For those used to striving and achieving, this can feel uncomfortable — even confronting. And yet, many find that the very unpredictability of birth becomes an opportunity for growth, softness, and a deeper connection to themselves and their baby.

If you identify with perfectionistic tendencies, you’re not alone. It’s possible to honor your desire for preparation while also practicing the art of letting go.  Want to practice or learn more?  Check out our classes.